(Side note: this whole thing was originally made on April 2nd, 2026 but take a good guess as to why I'm only publishing this now lmao, but to make things brief with what happened between this blog post and now is I finally added some more art to the gallery and I actually went and made some more local furry friends recently so hell yeah to that =3 )
Yeah I know, it took a damn long time to update again, life took hold of me once more and didn't quite let me become a hermit once more to update this whole thing. Hell this whole thing's being drafted on my phone via a notes app even though I tried to make an update the night before only to ultimately do nothing, but I also didn't want to leave the site hanging without an update any longer so here we are. Anyhow uh... yeah, I've been employed for a few months at this point!
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I don't think it's such a big surprise to believe that I wanted to find a job as a developer considering... well... *gestures all around*... Most would think I'd want to be a game developer but honestly I just wanted any sorta development job since it felt like coding was the one thing I was good at that also had a sustainable paying field. In fact for the longest I didn't think I was good for anything else and if I was gonna focus on anything it should be the one thing I knew I was at least halfways decent enough at and patient with, and even going through a whole coding school for a whole year I got told of how much potential I had as a developer and that if anything I'd be capable enough of landing a job anywhere I set my mind to. And then Generative AI went mainstream.
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10 applications a week throughout the internship. 3 months of looking for a job. A personal letter of recommendation won via a competition. 150 total openings sifted through LinkedIn, Indeed, CalWORKS that wasn't GenAI related (Yeah yeah first mistake was using LinkedIn but it was incorporated into the class). Nothing from nobody on either ends during that period. At. All. Would've been made worse if I actually paid the $5,000 bucks, I only got by for free thanks to IEP qualifications.
But I wouldn't trade it all for anything else in the world.
For one it actually did show that I was indeed capable of coding, I did try coding programs as a kid admittedly, Scratch, Code.org, Tynker, Youth Digital, but those never really stuck with me to be honest. I had my fun with all of them, I got super interested but time and time again all those hours and all that money was burnt for nothing, never getting far enough to even learn the existence of functions. The coding school meanwhile actually provided a structure and a promise that allowed me to stick with the program and actually learn cool tricks, certainly enough to make this lil corner of the internet as a side project. On top of that I made a very important friend whose mom would actually hook me up not only with an odd-job working for her game trailer just to get by, but eventually a full-time one as well working with one of her friends at a pop-up science lab. And I do mean "with" rather than "under" considering she treats me way more as a person rather than an employee
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At first I was a little conflicted with the job, af least with the game trailer I knew I was qualified since setting up a game console was something I did for fun, how good could I possibly be trying to teach kids science? Pretty freaking good as it turns out. The crazy thing is this was originally supposed to be just a leeway into saying that I'm a developer of sorts, something to put on my resume to look for more opportunities as a developer, something that was even made clear during the first day and something my boss was fully willing to support... but honestly this job is already providing me with all sorts of opportunities even outside of the job itself like connecting me with more local stuff, meanwhile everything I've been hearing about the programming field just sounds like an endless nightmare more than anything.
It's... honestly kinda nuts I even ended up here. Of all people I have to wonder... why me? Like... aren't there more qualified people around here that could easily take my place instead? Someone more mature? Someone more experienced? Someone more... normal?
...
Y'know normally the reasons I tend to not update this site is cause life usually gets to me in a way that makes me lose motivation to keep working on it. I don't really have a lot of free time, even when I'm not working I try to at least make it seem like I'm productive through other means and even then I worry if the things I do is enough and so I keep trying to find things to do so I don't feel useless and I'm sure you can see how this would lead to a negative feedback loop of only finding value through work that i'm average with at best and painfully slow and inefficient with at worst. On top of that the free time I do get has a tendency to come with strings attached, can't let myself get too absorbed cause otherwise I might suddenly have something that needs to be done and the task in question can range from brief to taking all my energy to being multiple tasks that interrupts my every move all while I get a "thank you" at best and constant berating with roots of truth at worst. This time though I've been busy with a proper well paying job outside the house, one that's actually been making me feel... worthy?
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Side Note: I don't wanna try this whole redraw thing anymore, I'm sorry but I do want to put this update out here... or maybe I'll finish it up again another time.
I'm actually capable of holding a job that also feels worthwhile and grants opportunities? I'm not some dumbass sissy selfish creepy manchild who shouldn't be trusted with anything ever? I'm... not a burden...? I... don't have to put my walls and mask up all the time around people...? People actually like my true weird ass self??? To be honest I always knew in the back of my mind these things, but all the negative stuff just kinda took priority and internalized in such a way that made me question if any of this was even true.
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And yet time and time again, the time I spend working not only reinforces the abilities I've possessed, not only strengthens some of my weaker aspects, but it also gives me new tools and skills to work with, and isn't that the whole reason why one should get a job? Why does every other employer try to cut off their best employees left and right? (Money) Why does every other job actively try to screw their own crew over even though it looks terrible on them? (Money) And most of all why does every employer just straight up ignore what their own teams have to say on various matters that they've personally never had to deal with themselves? (MONEY MONEY MONEY!... and a superiority complex) It genuinely pisses me off that not everyone can have that sorta experience that I have.
Overall though, I'm glad I've had time to be my own person away from a screen. I'm glad for the support that I've received. I can't say I'm out of the dark 100% still, but every day's a new opportunity to chip away at that, one step at a time.
I don't know fellas, I guess it just feels good to be alive even during the bad days now. I just... hope that everyone else can have that sense of relief one day too...
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Oh and don't expect a lot of updates either, a job's still a job y'know.